Words Left Unsaid
by jesslovescastle
Summary: One shot. Takes place after 02x24 and before 03x01. Beckett's point of view.


**A/N:** This takes place after the season 2 finale **A Deadly Game** and the season 3 premiere **A Deadly Affair**.

* * *

Detective Kate Beckett sat at her desk one afternoon in mid July. She should have been busy with her work, but her mind was elsewhere. She thought of that man, the rich, cocky novelist who had been following her around since the beginning of 2009. Her mind often traveled to him, especially nowadays, since he was gone for the summer. All of her friends, including Captain Montgomery, knew something was bothering her, but she played it off that she was fine. Still, inside she was hurting. And hurting bad. All thanks to Richard Castle.

She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a pen and a piece of notepad. She was too scared to admit her feelings to anyone. Her pride kept her from calling Castle. She didn't want to appear needy. She didn't want to give herself away. But still, nothing stopped her, as the pen began to move in her hand, scripting her most inner secrets.

_Dear Castle,_

_I stood there, watching you walk away, that dreaded day at the end of May. My heart broke, as I watched another woman take you away from me. Only seconds before, I was going to confess something I had been terrified to admit for months. And even now, it's still hard for me to say. But Richard Castle, I am hopelessly in love with you._

_I'm not sure why. I'm not even sure when it happened. But those two things don't matter. What matters is the fact that I cannot deny my feelings for you any longer. Ever since day one, there has been something special about you. No, it's not because I'm a fan of your work. No, it's not your ruggedly handsome good looks. No, it's not the fortune. No, it's not the fame. It has nothing to do with any of that. Maybe, just maybe, I can explain._

She took a breath, glancing down at what she wrote. She felt silly doing such a thing, but she had to get it out. It had been kept inside for so long and had begun to eat at her. Especially when she had come so close to telling the truth. She pressed the pen against the paper and continued to write.

_I admire you,Rick. I really, really do. The first time we met, I may have been annoyed with your egotistical behavior. But the way you handled yourself and how you were able to solve a case, other than one you created yourself, just amazed me. And ever since that day, you've amazed me more and more, with each day; each passing case._

She smiled at the thought. Castle had always been on his toes, one step ahead of everyone else. Sure, it got frustrating at times, especially when bets were involved. But she was still amazed by him though it all. And ever since he had left, it took them longer to close a case, making her miss him even more.

_There have been so many times in which we were undercover, where I daydreamed that we were really together. Like the night you asked me to the gala for MADT. You gave me that beautiful dress and then Martha allowed me to wear a beautiful piece of her jewelry. And then we danced. It was truly an amazing night, even if we were on duty. I always dreamed we could attend something together like that, as an actual couple._

_Extraordinary. You told me I was. And ever since the first time your lips uttered those words to me, I actually believed in them. Each time I lose my faith, you are always there to remind me of myself. At least you were... And now that you're gone, I've completely lost myself. I've buried myself in my work. The old me._

She sighed at what she reread on the page. She used to have fun and catch killers at the same time. But now Ryan and Esposito were both accusing her of being bitchy all the time. She had even snapped at Lanie a few times for bringing up Castle. Apologies were wearing thin and she hated herself for hurting the people she cared about most. Montgomery had offered her time off, but she rejected it. She knew if she wasn't working, she'd just wallow in her pity. And that was the last thing she needed.

_I miss you pulling my pigtails, Castle. I really do._

She wrote down on the paper, on a line by itself. She felt tears in her eyes and quickly gazed around the room, to make sure nobody was around. Once the coast was clear, she allowed her tears to fall. She had felt a lot of pain, since Castle had left, but she didn't ever allow herself to cry over it. She wanted to say she was stronger than that, but really, she wasn't. And that took a lot for her to admit.

_Right before you left, I broke it off with Demming. I wanted to tell you that I would go away with you to the Hampton's. And I was about to. But then she showed up. And it ruined everything. I never imagined that you'd reconnect with Gina. But the world is usually working against me. I'm always a moment too late. Too late to tell you I love you. And now I'm afraid that it doesn't even matter now. But I'm going to give it a hell of a shot anyway._

She penned, as tears continued to slide down her cheeks. She heard footsteps and she quickly wiped them away, hiding her letter under some files on her desk. She pretended to be hard at work, until the steps passed away. She then took a deep breath, to compose herself, before pulling out her confessions and picking up the pen again. She reread her last paragraph, to find her train of thought again.

_You saved my life, twice, Castle. From my burning apartment and from Scott Dunn. You gave my life new meaning when you decided to base Nikki Heat off of me. Sure, I acted as if I was annoyed. But really, it's flattering. It's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. And it made me a better detective. I wanted to give you the best work to base your character off of. You've changed my life in so many ways. The detective in me and the woman in me._

_It's not easy for me to say these things. You, of all people, should know that. I feel as if you know me better than I know myself. After all, you wrote a book based on me. And when I read Heat Wave, it felt as if I was reading my life and our relationship. Not Heat and Rook. Beckett and Castle. And the way you wrote us... Just felt so real..._

She bit her lip, just after she scripted the word real. What was real now was gone. And she didn't even know if it was coming back. Castle had left months ago. He had not called, emailed, wrote, anything... She was fearing the worst. And it didn't help that the boys always commented on how he didn't contact any of them. She sighed at the thought, as she continued to write.

_I never understood how you could write a story for us, without knowing how I felt about you. So maybe, you already know how I feel. Maybe, you're just waiting for me to say it out loud. So this is me, swallowing my pride, and saying it. I love you. And I think that maybe, just maybe, you love me too, Rick. And if you don't, then I'm stupid. Stupid and in love. But if you do love me, you'll come back to me. I know you will._

As she wrote that, her heart wrenched from all the pain she felt over letting him walk away. She choked back a sob, as she continued to pour her heart out, turning the page over and starting to write on the second page.

_At least, I thought you would. But you haven't called. I thought you would call. I thought you would check in. I've waited for my phone to ring, to see your name and number. I've waited to answer the phone and to tell you I miss you, I want you, I need you. Please come back, I love you. No phone call. No you. And it's broken my heart as far as it can break. Come back, Richard Castle. Come back to me and put back my heart back together. You dropped it, you broke it, and I've walked all over the pieces, trying to put it back together myself._

_I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your silly CIA jokes. I miss those damn blue eyes. I miss the moments where we're so close I can hardly stand it. I miss your stories on why and how a murder happened. I miss being harassed by you and the boys (don't you ever tell them I said that, or if I do see you again, I will kill you). I miss you bringing me coffee and telling me about Alexis. I miss everything Rick. I miss you._

Just as she finished writing that sentence, a tear fell down against the paper and stained it. She swallowed back her emotion, as she glanced down at the wet spot. She wasn't going to rewrite that part. She knew it had significance. And even when it dried, he'd still be able to see where she had cried.

_There'll never be another Richard Castle for me. Just you. You're the one that I love. And if it's too late now, then it's all my fault. But I don't think I will ever get over you. In fact, I know I won't._

_Love Always,_

_Beckett_

As she signed her name at the bottom, she tore both pages from the notebook. She folded them properly, as she stood up from her desk. It was late and nobody was around. She bit down on her lip as she grabbed her coat and put it on. She then headed for the elevator. On her way, she found herself stopping only feet away from it. Her hands crumpled the contents in them. She then reached through the trashcan and dropped it down inside there. She walked away and onto the elevator. Her letter, her confession, her emotions fell to the bottom of the trashcan, never to be seen, nor read, by any other soul.


End file.
